Written by Jesse Katen
As a professional leadership coach, the part of my job I love the most is having deeply transformative conversations with my clients. Coming in a close second is teaching my leader clients how they can have similar conversations with their own direct reports back in their respective workplaces. A powerful, open-ended conversation—where the ultimate insight is unknown to both parties at the beginning—is one of the most effective tools a leader can deploy to inspire long-lasting positive changes in the people who work for them. I’d love to share some of my “secrets” here with you!
Set an Open-Ended Intention
One of the absolute best reasons to have a conversation with an employee is “just because.” Taking the time to have a meaningful conversation without a specific agenda is always time well-spent. I recommend that leaders make these kinds of conversations a regular habit and treat them as a real priority. Even if you have a specific reason for delving deep with an employee about a specific issue, I still recommend approaching it with the same openness and curiosity you would in a “just because” conversation. By leaving the intention and the outcome open-ended, you leave room for both yourself and your employee to build trust and connection and to help both arrive at the kind of unexpected but transformative insight that prompts lasting change. I like to say: “Telling doesn’t transform.”
Opening the Conversation
The best way to open a transformative conversation and to create a safe and positive space is to begin with “recent wins.” You may ask “what’s going well for you?” or “what’s something good that happened at work recently?” Beginning with recent wins immediately lifts the vibe and establishes genuine trust because it demonstrates an interest in your employee’s success.
The second question I love to use, where we move from the exclusively positive to the more complex, is “what are you trying to figure out at the moment?” What we’re trying to get at here is what issues, questions, and challenges are occupying this person’s mind right now.
The Five Practices of Transformative Conversations
When I explain the Five Practices, I like to ask leaders to imagine themselves as a juggler keeping five balls in the air at once without allowing any to drop. These don’t need to be used in any specific order as it can make the conversation feel forced. Like the balls in the air, you’ll want to keep engaging with each as they come up.
Acceptance
To have the best chance at changing a situation or a person, we need to accept them as they are. By “acceptance,” I mean seeing reality for what it is and not wasting any time or energy wishing that things we cannot change were anything other than what they are. Acceptance sounds like: “We can’t change the past but we can move forward from here,” or “Let’s not focus on the couldas, wouldas, and shouldas, but rather let’s craft a plan for moving forward.” Non-acceptance, which gets in the way of a meaningful conversation, can sound like “I can’t believe you did this,” or “This should never have happened.” The truth is it did happen and the more relevant question is where to go from here.
Validation
To feel empowered to change, our employees need to feel validation from their supervisor. Validation does not necessarily mean you agree, but it does offer a sense of reassurance that you understand where someone is coming from. Validation can sound like “It makes sense that you thought/felt . . .” or “I can certainly see where you are coming from,” or “There are valid reasons you thought/felt/did what you did.” Someone feeling invalidated or dismissed erodes trust and can cause them to disengage from the conversation.
Interest
People can be very forthcoming with their thoughts and feelings if they feel that the person they are talking to is coming from a place of genuine interest. The best way to demonstrate interest is to ask questions you don’t already know the answer to. It helps to be guided by your own sincere curiosity. I find people fascinating and I know that when I serve as an interested audience, my clients are likely to keep talking about themselves and eventually talk themselves into a powerful insight. Interest invites insight!
Reflection
An incredibly powerful strategy is reflecting back to someone what you’re seeing. This helps prompt self-awareness and internal curiosity on their part. Reflection offers someone a chance to see themselves from an outside perspective. Reflection can sound like “You really lit up when you were talking about . . .” or “I noticed your hesitation in answering that question; what’s going on there?” Reflection not only makes someone feel listened to, but it builds self-reflective habits.
Discernment
Discernment is the practice of “telling the difference between”. Many times, individuals cannot see the flaws in their own thinking, so a gentle question that helps point out nuanced differences and questions assumptions can be powerful. Helping someone make a discernment sounds like “Does…always mean….?” or “Is it possible to….without….?” or “Is there a difference between….and….?”. For example, I recently made an impact with a client when I asked “Is it possible to hold someone accountable without criticizing them?” I love helping clients reach a conclusion in this format: “Just because . . . doesn’t mean . . .” Some examples from my own practice include: “Just because this project is difficult doesn’t mean I won’t be successful,” or “Just because someone is upset with a decision I’ve made doesn’t mean that it wasn’t the best decision.”
The key to having transformative conversations is to allow them to unfold naturally with as few assumptions, pre-conceived notions, and hard intentions as possible. One of the best things leaders can do is to be a receptive and reflective audience, offering their people the positive space to find their way to the insight they most need.
Jesse Katen is the founder of Jesse Katen Leadership Consultancy, where he coaches leaders across a wide range of industries. He also serves as an instructor for the annual Care Compass Network Leadership Development Academy—a six-week program designed for both new and emerging leaders as well as experienced professionals currently in leadership roles. To learn more about Jesse, see the author bio below or visit www.jessekaten.com for information on available training and coaching opportunities.
Jesse Katen is a leadership coach and consultant based in Binghamton, New York. He has coached leaders and instituted leadership talent development initiatives in a variety of sectors such as nonprofits, corporate industry, and public agencies, in a range of fields including human services, healthcare, social work, education, technology, and manufacturing. He specializes in helping those in leadership positions notice, navigate, and negotiate their own inner worlds to maximize their impact in the outer world! Jesse’s coaching, workshops, and conference appearances seek to transform how leaders think of themselves, expanding their potential to realize the vision of the places they lead. Jesse has served on the governing boards of 14 local and national nonprofits and foundations and is the owner of Jesse Katen Leadership Consultancy.